Couples struggle over when to keep working on the marriage and when to separate. Some research suggests that on average couples wait 6 years in conflict and distance before they will seek help from a therapist. Often my colleagues and I discuss that one of the problems most couples have who seek a divorce is that they waited too long. Couples counseling is most effective when the problems have not been going on for years. Also, treatment is shorter usually when problems are not chronic.
It is also common for one partner to think that it is just a fight while the other is thinking about divorce. Often I see couples when one person says “I was totally blindsided when he/she mentioned divorce.” While the other person says “How can he/she be shocked, I have been telling him/her for years I am unhappy.” Couples counseling can bring insight into how one person feels that he or she has been “telling” the other one for years and how these messages got lost.