Psychological Differentiation Process
Psychological differentiation borrows its concepts from cellular differentiation thanks to Dr. Murray Bowen. Remember high school biology? A cell divides and goes through a process to separate itself into two different cells.
The human differentiation is the same. We all start off as one with our mother (birthmother). As we are born, our process of differentiation increases at a rapid rate. We are now two different physical forms no longer sharing space. At first, we first learn as new caregivers that the baby has separate feelings of hunger, tired and frustration. How many nights did you wake up and you were not hungry, but the baby was? How many times did the baby cry and scream and you had no clue as to why. You thought everything was fine, but for your infant it was not?
As a child grows, hopefully, that child continues on a path of learning that his or her thoughts and feelings are separate from his/her caregivers. It is a slow path to travel. At this early level of differentiation, children have difficulty identifying thoughts, identifying feelings and knowing the difference. The intrapsychic differentiation is still a struggle. Helping children name feelings is very helpful. Children are still differentiating on an interpersonal level as well. How can we help foster this process? Raising children does involve telling children how to behave, what to think and demonstrate appropriate responses. However, hopefully, it is also a process of letting children feel their feelings and not telling them how they should feel. And hopefully, it is a process of listening to children’s thoughts and not overwhelming them with our responses. Hopefully, time and patience is devoted to listening to children…encouraging them to identify and develop the skills to communicate their unique thoughts and feelings.
We hope that as teenagers, children develop more autonomy and are able to identify and communicate their own unique thoughts and feelings. In a psychologically healthy teen, they are furthering the differentiation process. However, teens are not fully able to differentiate and they relate to their peers as they once did to their caregivers. They care heavily about what their peers think and feel and often mistake their peers’ thought and feelings for their own. Teens also have a difficult time differentiating on an intrapsychic level. They still can not distinguish their own thoughts from feelings. Thoughts and feelings often get mushed into one jumbled process, just like when they were children. They are unable to separate them.
By our early 20s, we hopefully further our differentiation process. If not, often we become enmeshed with our romantic partners and spouses. If we do not differentiate, we run the great risk of romantically linking with someone who also has a low level of differentiation and we become enmeshed. We start to operate as one. We lose our identities at a core level. We are unable to identify “I feel this” and “I think that” and we start to operate from “we feel this” and “we think that”. So, what is the problem? Well, no one is fully undifferentiated. Everyone at some point identifies a feeling or thought separate from their partner. But now we have the partner, who is not differentiated enough in the moment becoming very upset and having an emotional reaction to their partner’s separateness. Fear and anxiety are kicked up. The partner may be flooded with thoughts like “Who are you? I don’t know you. Maybe we are going to end our relationship. What will I do then? I can not live without this relationship!” All of this emotional reactivity is an over reaction. When simply put, one person is only having separate thoughts and feelings…that’s all. But a true panic of fight or flight erupts. A fight ensues. A couple either fights or they storm off in two different directions.
Therapy helps individuals differentiate. Often this is the therapy goal for many of my clients. It is also my own goal. Increasing our own level of differentiation does many things. It improves our relationship with ourselves and it improves our relationship with others. Imagine a healthier relationship with your partner? A better relationship with your parents and siblings? Imagine deeper friendships? And finally, imagine differentiating more so that you can role model this for your children? After all, children can only differentiate as much as their parents.